Transitions

If you follow this blog even kind of regularly, you know that I rarely use it as a platform for extensive writing.  But I felt compelled to share my story about going from a full-time working mother to a full-time stay-at-home mother, and back again.  So if you are just here to check out new pictures of the girls, blow on by this post.  

Going back to work was hard.  Please, don’t get me wrong.  But it was also the easiest thing I have ever done.  Contradictory?  Yes.  But allow me to explain:

When I had my babies, I really enjoyed my maternity leave with both of them.  I had the conversation fairly often with Sean that I really wanted to be able to stay home full-time at some point, but we both knew when we decided to have children that financially we were still years away from being where we needed to be for me to stay home and for us to remain comfortable money-wise.  So, knowing that there was a “someday” out there, I was able to go back to work from both of my maternity leaves with a smile on my face (even if there were tears in my eyes). 

Fast forward to March 2014.  I was not happy in my work situation (not a good fit for me).  I had been tossing around the idea with Sean about quitting my job to become an independent HR consultant.  I felt like the timing was right since we had recently downsized our house payment, and Sean agreed that it would be fine to try, but warned me that we only had 6 months worth of savings that would allow me to make NO money.  I excitedly quit my job, feeling confident that I would be securing contracts within a few months, and we wouldn’t have to worry about that 6 month deadline.  Another reason I was so excited for this entrepreneurial adventure?  I was going to be able to spend a lot more time with the girls!

I hit the ground running with my business—I created the LLC, I set up a website and ordered the business cards, and I joined the Chamber of Commerce and started attending every networking event possible.  I had a few “high potential” clients in mind before I even quit my job, and I started having meetings with them.  Part of quitting my job meant the girls quit daycare, but I was fine with that because Sean could watch them when I went to meetings and events since he had a rotating schedule.  But most of the time, I was with them.  And by most of the time, I mean that quickly turned into all of the time.  I love my girls dearly, but I discovered that my patience level wasn’t as high as I thought—and I never was that confident about my patience level anyway! 

One way I tried to alleviate the tension was to have learning time with Elise while Erin napped.  She was about to start kindergarten, and I wanted to continue to build on the great foundation she had received at preschool and daycare.  This was usually a treasured time for me, because she was easily distracted by the activity, but I wasn’t feeling guilty about her having too much TV time, so I got some of the chores done. 

Speaking of chores: do you know how hard it is to keep a house clean when 3 of you are there ALL. THE. TIME?  And a 4^th one (Sean) is there 2/3 of the time?  I would clean one area of the house, only to move on to another area that was completely trashed.  When I walked back through the previously clean area, the girls would have destroyed it.  It was never ending.  It was exhausting.  And as I hit a brick wall in my business, I was also feeling trapped at home.

When Sean and I finally had to sit down and have the talk in August about finances and what we were going to do after October hit, I wasn’t even that upset about searching for jobs.  I felt disappointed that I hadn’t been able to make my business work (turns out I am great at HR but terrible at sales) and sad that I wasn’t going to be able to do some of the things I’d enjoyed doing with the girls when I was home, sure.  While we fussed with each other a lot, we also had a good time walking to the park, playing in the yard, and doing art projects.  But I was also relieved to imagine the budget constraints being lifted, and to have some much-needed adult time on a regular basis. 

When I accepted the offer for my new job, I felt like I finally had the perfect fit.  It was a full time job, but it afforded me a lot of paid time off with holidays and vacation.  I was going to be able to continue to work in a career I love, but also spend more quality time with my children than I had been able to in my previous jobs.  It seemed like answered prayers.  And honestly, so far, it really was. 

But as with all things in life, it sometimes seems, this gift came at a price.  This time, going back to work was a much bigger adjustment than after either of my maternity leaves.  For one, I had spent SIX MONTHS at home with the girls, not just 8-12 weeks.  They were older.  They actually understood that I wasn’t going to be around as much.  Erin was especially upset by this because, at not quite 2 ½, she simply didn’t remember a time when I wasn’t home with her.  The week before I started my new job, we did a “trial run” at daycare by taking her 3 half-days.  She bawled each time I dropped her off, and I struggled to hold myself together each of those days, too.  But again, as with most things in life, once she got used to the situation, she adjusted.  By mid-week of my first week back to work, she didn’t even bat an eye when I dropped her off and ran straight in to play.

I guess the point of this rambling (aside from documenting a very interesting point in our family's history) is this: being a mom is tough.  When you're working full-time, you miss your kids terribly and think constantly of things you might be missing out on with them.  When you're staying home with your kids, you dream of a time when you will again be able to be productive in a career and actually have disposable income and won't have to tell your kiddos they can't do the activities they want to because you don't have enough money.  I share this story mainly to tell my sweet friends (both the stay-at-home and working mothers) that I applaud your efforts.  I, for one, am happy to be back in the working world--even if I am missing my girls during any lull in the day. 

Thanks for sticking out this blog post with me--I promise I'll be back to posting cute pictures of my kiddos in no time!